The Beagle Dictionary

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BATH
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BICYCLES
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for beagles to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

BUMP
The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

CHRISTMAS
A strange time of year for the humans. A time when they seem intent of delivering as much embarrassment on you as possible by making you wear fake reindeer horns and red furry hats. News is not all bad for beagles, though, as this seems to be the only day of the year when humans will usually feed you they way they should for the other 364 days of the year.

DEAFNESS
This is a malady which affects beagles when their person wants them in and you want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

DOG BED
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

GARBAGE CAN
A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.

LEAN
Every good dog’s response to the command especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

LEASH
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to got .

LOVE
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

SHOELACE
An excellent tooth cleaner. Is very useful especially when attached to those $200 pair of italian imported shows that your person wears. Best used while your person is wearing the shoe. They have a little difficulty walking while you’re cleaning your teeth with the laces but they will soon get used to it.

SOFAS
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

THUNDER
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

2017-06-29T13:28:37+00:00 22 September 2013|Your Stories|